It's Time to Fight Back (Part 1)

The Dreaded Question:

I recall the irritation that would come over me whenever asked “How are you feeling today?” Truth is I was feeling horrible and didn’t want to be reminded of it. For me, it was like just having to answer that question put me in depression mode. I knew people would feel sorry for me and I honestly didn’t want that. I had already become too comfortable in what I call the ‘pity me please’ zone. It was a very unfamiliar place and I hated being there. Unfortunately that’s where I landed every time I was asked how I was feeling. I wanted to escape my body. The real me wanted to come out and say to people…”What you see ain’t me!” I knew who I was or once was and I longed deeply for her to come ALIVE again. She needed to be resurrected.

So when it was time to answer I never said just how bad I was feeling. I was hurting physically more than I let on. My emotional and mental state was at an all time low. Now, I never said aloud that I was depressed because I didn’t want to make that declaration over my life out of my mouth. I understand the power that lies in the tongue, meaning in what I say as well as the power of thought. I am what I think. And because I knew if I said it, the word out of my mouth would be fulfilled and I didn’t want that to be my fate.

Is This Pain My Punishment:

You know how prisoners of war are often captured and tormented for the purpose of giving up information on their strategy to conquer or kill their enemy? Well, this might sound extreme, but that’s how I felt. Extreme torment night after night. The pain was too overwhelming to describe. In my heart and mind I knew this was more than just a health issue. This thing was trying to take me out. And it almost did. Was I ready or prepared to leave my children, my grandchildren, my mom and dad and my siblings? ABSOLUTELY NOT! At least not in my heart of hearts. I longed to be with them and laugh with them and make more memories with them. Truth is I felt like a burden to them. And I wanted them to be at ease and relieved because I knew they were so concerned about my well-being.

Truth be told, doubt began to set in quite heavily. I questioned my level of faith. Perhaps I was being punished for sins of my past. But that couldn’t be the case, not when I know I confessed my sins to the Father and I know He forgave and didn’t remember me. The battle in my mind was that I did remember them and that was the part of the problem. Guilt was present. Another culprit in my life was fear. Now put all three of those together: doubt, guilt and fear…major victory blockers. I knew that was going to have to change. I soon came to realize this was more than an autoimmune disease that was disrespecting my body and causing excruciating pain. It was an all out spiritual attack. It came for my mental capacity. It came for my joy. It came for my peace. It literally came for my future. It came for every prophetic word that was spoken over my life that I had received by faith. It was time to fight back!

Renee